Anticipatory Memory

All life is experienced as memory.

Event X occurs; your senses perceive the event and nerves transmit information to your brain; your brain processes the information into meaningful signals and symbols; you act on the processed information. By the time you act on this processed information Event X is ancient history, milliseconds or more in the past. All of life is “past” by the time you acknowledge its reality.

You think you are reading these words now, but you’re not really; you’re a few nanoseconds away from the actual words: Your eyes had to see the screen; your mind distinguished between the contrast of the background and the letters, then put the letters together into words and sentences, and then translate all of that symbology into some sort of meaning.

One thing which seems to differentiate a mentally healthy person from someone with schizophrenia is the ability to distinguish between the memories of days long past and the memories our brains are just now processing. The schizophrenic “sees” and “hears” people from their memory and experiences them as present in the “now” moment. We don’t share their unique memory (and even if we did our minds would distinguish between “past” and “not-quite-so-past”) so we don’t see or hear the same people.

Or think of a professional baseball player. When he swings, the player is anticipating the place where he thinks the thrown baseball is going to be. At the moment of physical contact between bat and ball his mind has not yet registered it as happening; he’s still a few nanoseconds away from that memory. When he realizes he’s made contact, the contact was long-ago made and he actually perceives the memory of making contact. This may explain why it takes so much practice (10,000+ hours) to become an expert at anything: We have to build up a strong memory of our talent so that we can execute “without thinking”, which really means, “without stopping to try to remember”.

This also explains why I can’t teach you something you don’t already know, that is to say, that which you don’t consciously remember. If you cannot consciously remember knowing something, you say you don’t “know” it. The first time you learn something there is no record in your memory of the lesson, so your brain files it away as something “new”. You only know you “know” upon reflection of this newly-formed memory. And of course, your “knowing”, your memory, often does not align perfectly with the physical reality of the universe, as anyone who’s ever argued with a spouse knows all too well.

What does this mean, then, that all life is experienced as memory?

First, I think it means most of our life is lived as anticipatory memory. Every moment is perceived as “now”, but is actually “past”, so that as I reach for my coffee mug I am anticipating where I remember the coffee mug to “be”, “now”. There’s an element of quantum physics there, I’m sure.

Second, I suppose it means you can’t take anything that happens too seriously. If everything you experience is experienced as memory, it’s already happened; there’s nothing you can do about it. Even the moment you consider “now” is not really “now”.  Furthermore, if you consider the fallibility of your memory, you’ve got to allow that the way you are remembering the “present moment” may not be entirely accurate. Maybe the way you remember it is, is not the way it really is. You’re just remembering the moment through your particularly flawed lens.

Third, this helps explain ideas of grace and forgiveness. God herself chooses “not to remember” our sins any longer. Well, if the present moment is anticipatory memory, then God chooses not to remember even the sins now…and now…and now… As Jesus said, “You must become like little children” to enter the kingdom of heaven. And what is it that children haven’t got? Memory, especially anticipatory memory. They don’t remember that they sinned, or that you sinned against them, and they don’t anticipate the memory of sin “now” or in the “future”.

Fourth, this helps me understand the Eastern philosophy of losing your ego to obtain enlightenment. What is ego but the collection of memories you think are “you”? Even as you read this post and decide whether you like the ideas or not, whether or not you agree with me, whether you think you could’ve written it better; these are all functions of memory. To lose your memory of “yourself” is to lose your ego. To lose the anticipatory memory of your participation of what you perceive to be “now” allows “now” to be what it is without your memory obscuring or altering what IS.

Fifth and finally, I’m wrestling with the implications of this idea as it relates to the idea of death. When a person dies, their physical body ceases functioning; the heart stops beating; the brain stops processing information; cells break down and decay, including the cells holding memory. When you die you don’t physically cease to exist because the energy and matter of your body is converted into new forms. Instead, your brain stops processing information, stops anticipating and recording memories; the memory of your “self” stops. So what “dies” is not your physical body but the memory processes associated with it. You experience death as a cessation of memory accumulation. If you placed the current moment and your moment of death on a timeline, the two points would (hopefully!) be many years apart. But all that really means is that you have not yet “remembered” that you died; you have not anticipated that particular memory yet. However, we’ve all had the dream where we “die” and suddenly wake up in a terrified, cold sweat. How could we dream of dying if we’ve not experienced it, unless we are remembering our dying?

This is quite frustrating. I feel as though I’m right on the edge of something significant, but I can’t remember what it is…

5 Ways To “Live Like You Were Dying”….Sort Of…

I assume you’ve heard the song “Live Like You Were Dying” by Tim McGraw. If you haven’t, click here to watch the video, then come on back…

Did you like the song? So did I! Well, the first 240 or so times I heard it. It is an awfully catchy song, and the lyrics are oh so motivating. But they’re also kind of selfish, don’t you think? Like life is all about you and gratifying your bucket list? And who else besides multi-millionaires like Mr. McGraw can afford to live the way he describes in that song? I mean, skydiving, climbing in the Rockies, and bull riding? Who’s got the time or the budget for all that fun? I can barely afford my monthly Netflix subscription!

I’m going somewhere with this, I promise.

I was on a training call the other day with the woman I’m replacing. She started telling me about one of the IT personnel I support…

“Yeah, it’s very sad. I guess she has some sort of kidney disease. She gets dialysis three times a week. If she doesn’t get a new kidney in the next year or so, she’ll probably die. She knows she’s on borrowed time, so I try to be extra-nice to her and treat her with kid gloves…”

…which brought the question to mind, Why don’t you always treat her that way? And also, Why aren’t I treating people that way?

What if we changed the lyrics of the song to “Live Like They Were Dying”….’They’ being everyone you interact with on a daily basis. Because let’s face it, all of us are living on borrowed time. And when you consider how nicely you treat really sick people, doesn’t it strike you as odd that we reserve that ‘special’ treatment for folks about to leave this world? What the heck are we waiting for?

So without further ado, and with no disrespect intended to Tim, here’s my own list of ways you can “Live Like They Were Dying”:

1. Be Present With Them: More than anything else, people in the final stages of life feel afraid and alone. Of course, the only difference between them and the rest of us is that they have nothing left to distract them from their fate. They can’t deny it any longer. Here’s what I’m saying: Just about every person you know is, to some extent, feeling afraid and alone. So be with them. Really. Like Will Smith says in Hitch, “When you’re in the room, be in the room.“
2. Their Bucket List: Whether or not they call it this, everyone’s got one. Everyone has a list of things they want to do in/with/during their lifetimes. Too bad most of us wait until we’re retired or terminal before we get serious about it. So: Ask your friends, family, and associates what’s on their bucket list. Then do what you can to help those things happen, even if it just means forwarding an interesting article you read online.
3. Money Concerns: Another major concern of the dying is whether there will be enough money for their funeral and their family after they are gone. And just like #1, everyone suffers from this worry. Live like those around you are dying by being generous. Buy a cup of coffee for someone. Pick up someone’s grocery tab (assuming you’re in the 20-items-or-less line). Buy someone’s gas. Take care of people the way you would if you knew they wouldn’t be around for another Christmas.
4. Get Past The Body: Did you tell Grandma how awful she looked in the hospital gown she had to wear? Well, maybe you did to break the tension, but seriously…When you know someone is dying, you really don’t care anymore about their physical appearance. So why care now? Stop evaluating people based on their appearance; simply appreciate them for being in your life.
5. Get Past The Mind: Alzheimer’s Disease is the worst. I’m not being flippant. It really is just about the worst thing that can happen to a person and their family. The loving, wonderful parent and grandparent you used to know disappears, and is sometimes replaced by a monster. Inside their mind, somewhere, you know that same person exists, but you don’t get to see them anymore. In exceedingly trying times like this, you love the person as best you can, and you reminisce about the “good old days”. Why not give everyone in your life this kind of treatment? When someone wrongs you, love them anyway for the wonderful person you’re sure is lurking in there somewhere. Be forgiving of people’s erratic and out-of-character behavior. The mind is a tricky, temporary thing. Don’t take yours, or anyone else’s, too seriously.

Four Ways To Feel Good Enough

This Sunday at Three Taverns Church we’re going to talk about what it means to be “good enough” in God’s eyes:

• Good enough to receive His love
• Good enough to deserve His approval
• Good enough to be who and what we are

Below is a list of four things all of us can do to begin to understand that we are “good enough” no matter where we are in life. I hope they are useful to you!

1. Kill Your TV
   Turn off your TV and you’ll be on your way to feeling fine just the way you are. During an episode of your favorite show you’re told dozens of times that you are not good enough. This happens two ways. First, commercials. They claim you’ll be better off once you own whatever it is they have to sell you. Inferring that you’re inferior or incomplete until you buy…it. Second, the show itself, done subtly by making you wish you could be as funny, pretty or brave as your favorite character.
2. Make A List
   Part of what makes you feel like you’re not OK is the stuff you’ve done to hurt yourself and others in the past. Time to deal with that crud. Write out a list of your fears, resentments, and harms you’ve committed against yourself and others. Yes, this is Step 4 of the 12 Steps of AA. And yes, it can work for you, too. Make the list, and check it twice to make sure it’s thorough. Take the list to a secluded public place. Read the list out loud. Then burn the list.
3. Write A Letter
   There are people in your past who hurt you and made you feel like you never measured up. The feelings of inadequacy these folks left you with became part of your self-talk. You hear their voices in your head: You’re not pretty enough; you’re not smart enough; you’ll never be successful; you don’t deserve to be happy; you’re worthless. Time to shut those voices up. Write a letter to each person who hurt you this way. Pour out your heart. Tell them the ways they hurt you. Tell them you’re finished with their lies and that you’re ready to move on. Put the letter in an envelope and save it somewhere safe. Read it the next time you hear their words in your head.
4. Skip Church
   For a long time (until I found Renew Church in Orlando) I considered my 12-Step group my “home church”. It was the only place my faith could be authentic and not works-based. Wish you could experience that, too? Blow church off for a week or two. Maybe even a month. Get some distance. You need to shatter the idea that God needs you in church, performing at 110%, in order to love and accept you. Trust me, God will be fine without you for a little while. When you’re ready to re-engage, consider visiting somewhere new. Plan a schedule to see 3-4 new churches that weekend: Early Saturday; late Saturday; early morning Sunday; mid-morning Sunday. Who knows…maybe you’ll find a group like my 12-Step friends who want to see you, without any pretense.

Do you have any other suggestions to break the cycle of negative self-talk and start feeling “good enough”?

Who You Are Is Enough

Who I am is enough. What I have is enough.
– Unknown

Who you are is enough. What you have is enough.

Doesn’t often feel that way, though, does it? Know why? Because we’re stuck in an addictive society which rejects this truth. If you had to rewrite the mantra above based on the way you feel on any given day, it would probably sound something like this:

Who I am is not smart enough, attractive enough, athletic enough, tall enough, cool enough, thin enough, strong enough, caring enough, loving enough, supportive enough, friendly enough, happy enough, healthy enough, spiritual enough, brave enough, hard-working enough, emotionally balanced enough, or accepting enough.

What I have isn’t…well, it isn’t enough!

John Rockefeller, one of the richest and most powerful men in American history, was once asked, “How much is enough?” His answer: “Just a little more.” Sure feels that way, doesn’t it?

But do you ever wonder why the holiest men and women of the Christian tradition, hell, of any tradition, lived in near poverty? If our self-talk is accurate and we need to be and have so much more, how could the saints have been right to choose the life they did? In fact, how could Jesus have been “enough” when he was broke and homeless the last 3 1/2 years of His life?

Because who He was, was enough. Because what He had was enough.

Who you are is enough. What you have is enough.

Why is that so hard to believe?

For one thing, you’re told hundreds of times every day through various marketing campaigns that you are not enough because you don’t yet own whatever it is the marketers are trying to sell. It’s hard for our self-talk to fight that kind of repetition.

Another reason it’s hard to believe who we are is enough is that we’re part of a productive society that requires its members to conform to a set of norms. This process of conformity starts at home, where we learn which parts of us are “good” and which parts are “not good”. We personalize our conformity to such a degree that we end up believing we are our behaviors, both the good and the not-good. In other words, my good behaviors make me good, and my not-good behaviors make me not-good. This is the fundamental problem of all religious systems…but that’s the topic of another post.

Who you are is enough. The “good” parts you love showing off and the “not good” parts you keep in the shadows.

What you have is enough. Yes, even if you’ve got less than Mr. Rockefeller.

(Fin)ished

Do you want Jesus to pay for your sins, or do you want to try to pay for them yourself?

I once heard a story I’d like to share with you. The story is about a very wealthy man at the turn of the twentieth century. He had started his own company, which had grown significantly over the years. He was a multi-millionaire back when a million bucks was a big deal. As often happens with successful people, he was interviewed by a local newspaper to discover his secret to success. When asked how he had grown his business so effectively and become rich, this is what he said:

“Have you seen my herd of antelope? It’s one of the rarest animals in the world. This particular species is only found in a small region in Kenya. For years hunters had traveled across the globe to try to find them for their hides and antlers, but the animals are so rare and elusive that most men returned home empty-handed. I heard about the animals and knew immediately that I wanted them for myself. So I came up with a plan to capture them.

“I traveled to the region of Kenya where they lived and set up a base camp many miles away so they wouldn’t feel threatened by my presence. One night I traveled to a field, put some of their favorite food on the ground, and placed a single fence post in the ground nearby. I watched from a distance as the herd came into the field, ate the food, and left. A few nights later I repeated the process: I left some of their favorite food in the middle of the field and placed a second fence post. The herd returned that night and once again ate the food I’d left.

“This process went on for many weeks. Every third or fourth night I would come to the field, place food in the center, and add another post. Once all my posts were in place I started adding fence slats, a few every night. After many weeks I had a large enclosure built with only a gap where a gate should be. I’d built the enclosure so slowly the antelope hadn’t noticed the fence being built around them. On the last night I returned to the nearly-completed enclosure and placed the food as I always had. I hid in the trees and this time, when the herd came into the enclosure to eat the food, I rushed in and put a gate in place to trap them inside. I had captured one of the rarest and most elusive animals in the world!

“I tell you this story because you can trap men the same way I trapped these animals. If you provide them safety and security, if you provide them a steady stream of income so they can provide for themselves and their families, they will do anything for you including giving their working lives to you. You can build an empire on the backs of men this way.”

This is an approach to Christianity we see all too often.

Churches and Christian leaders entice us with a little bit of grace and hope, just enough to get us coming back week after week. All the while we ignore the fence being built up around us, until it’s too late.

Until one Sunday we wake up and realize that while our priests and pastors were tempting us with grace and hope, they were building up a fence of religion around us. A fence built out of rules, laws, commandments, obligations, responsibilities, tithing, serving, volunteering, obedience, Christian disciplines, good behavior, church attendance, and theology.

We feel safe and secure with this fence of religion built around us. We like being surrounded by religion. We have check lists. We think we understand everything there is to understand about God. We hate gray areas and ambiguity, we hate feeling uncertain and off-balance, so we come to love our religious fences. The fences make us feel like we are in control. Like we’re God. But we’re not God. We’re never in control. We’re only trapped in our ideas, our obligations, our theology.

This is what Jesus came to destroy.

Jesus came to tear down the Jewish fence of religion and re-establish a relationship between God and man. A relationship built on love, not a fence of obligations and expectations.

Consider two passages:

“And by (God’s) will we have been sanctified through the offering of the body of Jesus Christ once for all. For by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified.” (Hebrews 10:10,14, ESV)

“When Jesus had received the sour wine, he said, “It is finished,” and he bowed his head and gave up his spirit. (John 19:30, ESV)

The sacrifice of Jesus body ‘sanctifies’, or frees from sin, once and for all.

“Teleo” is the Greek word used in John 19:30 that translates as “It is finished.” Christ satisfied God’s justice by dying to pay for our sins. These sins can never be punished again. That would violate God’s justice. Your sins can only be punished once, either through a substitute or by yourself.

Said another way, if you believe Jesus is the Son of God and the Messiah, then He gladly takes the punishment for your sins. If you reject Jesus as the Son of God and Messiah, you’re on your own to pay for your sins, which requires your life.

But we have to believe Jesus is the Son of God. Otherwise Jesus was just some guy, some sinner like you and me, who died on a Roman cross. That’s not enough to take away all sin forever. Which means you and I still need to find a way to deal with our sin.

This is where we come up with the “law” according to Christians. We’re trying to find ways to eliminate our sin on our own, according to our good works, church attendance, worship, tithing, dress code, beliefs, Bible study, etc.

Will you turn to a religion, any religion, to follow their rules and “earn” your salvation?

Or will you try to ignore Jesus, pretend “sin” isn’t real, pretend that you’re a “good person” (or at least ‘good enough’), or hope “the Universe” is going to accept you the way you are? That sounds like an awfully anxious way to live. How will you ever know if you’re “good enough”?

Maybe we’ve forgotten that the “gospel” of Jesus Christ is supposed to be the “good news” of Jesus Christ. Not good news that we can trade in being Jews for being Catholics or Southern Baptists or Mormons or whatever. The “good news” of Christ is supposed to be just that: Good news that we are free from sin and the Law.

Good news in recognizing that Jesus paid for sin, once for all, so we can stop trying to pay for it ourselves.

Good news that I can love God free from resentment over a debt I can’t pay.

Good news that I can love my neighbor and myself because we’re not just sinful scumbags.

Good news that we can choose who gets to pay for our sin: Us or Jesus.

But it is our choice to make.

Is It ‘Finished’? It Has To Be.

“When Jesus had received the sour wine, he said, ‘It is finished,’ and he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.”
John 19:30

“And by God’s will we have been sanctified through the offering of the body of Jesus Christ once for all… For by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified.”
Hebrews 10:10,14

When Jesus said, “It is finished”, He meant it. He didn’t mean it was 80% complete. He didn’t mean it was mostly finished. He didn’t mean we still had some work to do on our own. It’s the reason why the author of Hebrews claimed we’d been sanctified. Once. All of us.

It has to be finished.

It’s the only way to love God and love others as we love ourselves.

Because if it isn’t finished, I still owe God something for my sins. I’ll become angry, resentful and frustrated about owing a debt I can’t pay. Which makes it impossible to love Him.

If it isn’t finished I’m going to hate myself and be ashamed as a sinner. Which makes it impossible to love myself.

And if it isn’t finished, and if I can’t love myself, then I’m not going to love anybody else because nobody else is ever going to be good enough to deserve my love, either.

So you see, the only way we can love God is if God’s work was finished on the cross. And the only way we can love others as we love ourselves is if we’ve all been saved through Jesus’ once-for-all sacrifice.

It is finished. Stop living in fear, wondering if God’s work was enough for you. And stop worrying about everyone else, whether God’s work was enough for them. Once-for-all means exactly what it sounds like.

Once. For all.

Five Ways To Positively Model God To Your Children, #1: Apologize Immediately

It’s true that we are the most influential people in our children’s lives. It’s also true that we tend to treat strangers more politely and with more kindness than our own families because it’s impossible to keep our “nice” mask on for long at home. These two facts lead to a third truth: Our children’s perceptions of who God is are shaped by our behavior toward them. This is the reason why so many people in therapy and twelve-step groups routinely express their beliefs that God is an angry or distant God; because Mom and Dad treated them this way.

I don’t want my children to see God as a harsh, angry, unloving God. Instead, I want them to see God for who He is in the person of Jesus of Nazareth. For this to happen, however, I need to take specific steps to model that kind of behavior for my children.

Here is the first of five ways I model Christ for my children in order to positively shape the way they think about our heavenly Father. With a little tweaking to fit your particular set of circumstances, I believe these steps can benefit your family as well!

1. Apologize immediately after I realize I’ve done something to hurt them.
I’m not Jesus, so at least once a day I say or do something that hurts my children’s feelings. Just today, while cooking dinner and trying to help my wife get out the door for a small group meeting, my son and I got into an argument. As my temper rose, that little preschooler started talking back to me and I completely lost my temper. I started yelling at him and ordered him into his room. My outburst frightened him.

After two minutes of cool-down time I strode into his room, sat on his bed, pulled him into my lap, and hugged him. I told him how much I loved him; how much he means to me; how special and wonderful he is. The combination of gentle physical touch and loving words calmed him down immediately. I believe repeating this pattern throughout his childhood will also positively shape the way he sees God. Had I left him to cry in his room alone, there’s a chance he would project my behavior onto God and see Him as a frightening, angry Being who refuses to be reconciled to his ‘sinful’ son.

By apologizing immediately to my son, holding him, and telling him I love him, I positively impact his view of God in a number of ways:

• My son can feel loved even when he makes mistakes
• God will appear to be Someone who greatly desires reconciliation
• My son can see himself as a treasured child of God, not an unfortunate screw-up
• My son’s relationship with God will be defined by learning and growth rather than perfectionism
• Rather than an emotionally distant Being, God will be Someone who wants to understand, and be understood by, my son
• It’s OK for my son to be angry at, or confused with, God. My son’s emotions are not taboo in the eyes of his Father

Do you apologize to your children immediately after you realize you’ve hurt them? Why or why not? How does this have the potential to impact the way your child sees God?

Thanks for reading! Check back tomorrow for the second part of this series!
Stephen

Love, At Least

I’m not sure how to begin this; everything coming to mind sounds false and contrived. So I’ll simply say ‘hello’. If you’re like me, you’ve got something weighing heavily on you. It might be your financial situation; heavy debt; a past or pending divorce; physical pain; illness in your family; the loss of a loved one. Sure enough, there are many ways a person can hurt.

I’m sorry I can’t do much for you. If you need a job and it were in my power to give you one, I would, but the sad fact is I can’t even get myself a job. I can’t do anything to save your marriage or forgive your debt. If I could heal pain and illness, as selfish as it sounds, I’d start with my family. But I can’t do that either.

About the only thing I can do is love you. Because if you’re anything like me, which is to say, a human being, then you deserve love simply for being. You are valuable to me even if your job title or bank account says otherwise. I may not be able to restore your marriage, take away your pain, or bring a loved one back to life, but I will gladly sit and cry with you. You deserve that much, at least. You are a child of God, whether you know it or not, and though I have no silver or gold, what I do have I give to you: Love.

Whoever you are, wherever you are, as you read this in your personal struggles, know that I love you for no other reason than the fact that you exist. What you have is enough; what you are is enough. I know the world tells you to be, do, and have more; it tells me the same thing. But as I write this I’m thinking of you, even if I don’t know you personally, and I can honestly tell you that I love you.

You don’t need money any more than I do; you need to be loved in your poverty.
You don’t need to be saved from your debt; you need to be accepted in your indebtedness.
You don’t need someone to fix your marriage; you need to be loved in your pain and sense of failure.
You don’t need someone to heal your child; you need someone who will stand by you in your helplessness.
You don’t need someone to bring your mother back to life; you need someone who can comfort you in your hopelessness.

We can’t control many of the circumstances of our lives, and I don’t believe it’s always physiologically possible to control how we react to adversity. But that’s what community is for, isn’t it? In its purest form, isn’t this the purpose of the church? To sit down in the middle of someone’s mess and cry with them, to offer them encouragement, to love them. Because love, at least, they deserve. And love, at the very least, we can offer at any time and in any circumstance.

Will God Be There?

We’re about to find out.

A few weeks ago I wrote about running toward the cliff’s edge and trusting in God. Well, we’re at the cliff’s edge now. The money’s gone; we’re cashing out our 401(k) accounts.

Part of me feels like a failure as a husband and father; maybe you can relate? Society expected me to support my family and I’ve failed miserably. The only thing left to me is hope, the same hope Israel had when times were darkest and it seemed there was no way out.

I still believe God called me to Florida, and no, I don’t believe He called me here to die. Are you in a similar place? Are you holding on to nothing but hope? Let’s you and I make a deal: Let’s hold on one more day to see what God has planned…what do you say?

New Year’s Jealousy

There he is, my old friend Jealousy waiting to wish me a Happy New Year as I wake up to my Facebook newsfeed.

I’m a little surprised at seeing this friend so early in the new year; to be honest I was hoping he wouldn’t visit for a few days. But staring at me from my laptop is a photo I wish I was in: Three acquaintances and their wives having fun at a party. One, a successful businessman. The second, a rising star in a multinational corporation who is also a successful writer. The third, a funny, likeable, very popular musician.

I suppose I want to be in the picture because I want some of their success to rub off on me. I want to be associated with them. Other people who see this photo, were they to see me standing alongside, might think, “Ah, I think I recognize that guy. I didn’t know he was friends with Mr. Musician. Hmm, I’ll bet he’s funny and likeable too…”

And that’s really the crux of my problem, isn’t it? It’s not that I want to be in the photo; I don’t want to trade lives with these men. I don’t wish their spouses were my spouse, or their kids my kids. I love my wife and kids just the way they are, thank you very much. I don’t even wish it was my living room the picture was taken in. No, what I want are the personal qualities of these three men which seem to drip off the picture like liquid gold: Business success, writing talent, and popularity.

The photo is a mirror into my own soul and has nothing to do with the gentlemen pictured therein.

There are undoubtedly facets of each man’s life which I cannot see in the photo: Marital difficulties, stress at work, creative blocks, etc. But again, the photo has become a mirror; it’s no longer a photo. I’m not even really seeing the people in the photo. Instead, I’m seeing the parts of myself I feel unfulfilled and insecure about.

Taking this analysis a level deeper I might ask, “At what level of business success, writing talent, or popularity would I feel fulfilled?” The answer is as painful as it is obvious: There is no such level. No amount of success, talent, or popularity would ever allow me to feel fulfilled for more than a few moments. I’m therefore driven to ask the final question: If I do not feel fulfilled now, and if I will never feel fulfilled by anything I can acquire in this life, what is left for me to do?

Two answers come to mind.

First, I must learn to sit with my pain. I must invite my friends Jealousy and Unfulfillment over for coffee. I must be intimate with my pain and resist the urge to numb it through busyness, pornography, or even through writing this blog. I must accept the fact that the hunger I feel will not be satisfied this side of the grave.

Second, I should consider the lives of the Saints. Though they longed for the same things I do (probably much more intensely), I believe they were able to make peace with their longing and accept it as another “friend” along their journey.

Now let’s shift the focus to you. As you scan Facebook and/or hear others’ New Year’s Eve stories, do you feel jealousy or envy rising up inside you? What parts of the photos or stories create that emotional reaction? Like me, are you jealous of someone’s apparent popularity? Perhaps you find yourself wishing you could be as attractive as someone you know? Or worse, is it possible you’re so insecure that you share your photos and stories to make others jealous?

These painful moments are the recognition of our shadow and are excellent learning opportunities; let’s not waste them!