Who I am is enough. What I have is enough.
– Unknown
Who you are is enough. What you have is enough.
Doesn’t often feel that way, though, does it? Know why? Because we’re stuck in an addictive society which rejects this truth. If you had to rewrite the mantra above based on the way you feel on any given day, it would probably sound something like this:
Who I am is not smart enough, attractive enough, athletic enough, tall enough, cool enough, thin enough, strong enough, caring enough, loving enough, supportive enough, friendly enough, happy enough, healthy enough, spiritual enough, brave enough, hard-working enough, emotionally balanced enough, or accepting enough.
What I have isn’t…well, it isn’t enough!
John Rockefeller, one of the richest and most powerful men in American history, was once asked, “How much is enough?” His answer: “Just a little more.” Sure feels that way, doesn’t it?
But do you ever wonder why the holiest men and women of the Christian tradition, hell, of any tradition, lived in near poverty? If our self-talk is accurate and we need to be and have so much more, how could the saints have been right to choose the life they did? In fact, how could Jesus have been “enough” when he was broke and homeless the last 3 1/2 years of His life?
Because who He was, was enough. Because what He had was enough.
Who you are is enough. What you have is enough.
Why is that so hard to believe?
For one thing, you’re told hundreds of times every day through various marketing campaigns that you are not enough because you don’t yet own whatever it is the marketers are trying to sell. It’s hard for our self-talk to fight that kind of repetition.
Another reason it’s hard to believe who we are is enough is that we’re part of a productive society that requires its members to conform to a set of norms. This process of conformity starts at home, where we learn which parts of us are “good” and which parts are “not good”. We personalize our conformity to such a degree that we end up believing we are our behaviors, both the good and the not-good. In other words, my good behaviors make me good, and my not-good behaviors make me not-good. This is the fundamental problem of all religious systems…but that’s the topic of another post.
Who you are is enough. The “good” parts you love showing off and the “not good” parts you keep in the shadows.
What you have is enough. Yes, even if you’ve got less than Mr. Rockefeller.
I was never good enough as a kid. Hell, I’m still not good enough. It’s a problem that’s plagued me my entire life. It’s the reason I’m often so sad and angry.
As a child I tried my damndest to get accepted to the private school my older and younger brothers got into with ease. But every year I failed. Every year I got the skinny envelope in the mail telling me that, once again, I was not good enough to gain admittance to the state’s most exclusive school. Every year as a child I had to face my father’s anger and disappointment that his middle son could not get into the right school. I was a failure. I did eventually get into the school. In the 10th grade. The last possible chance to get in before the school stopped admitting new students. And I had been on the wait list.
I became a pornography addict at a very early age as a coping mechanism to deal with my home environment. On top of not being good enough to get into the right school, my guilt and shame from pornography confirmed what I already knew to be true: I wasn’t good enough.
Then puberty hit. Unlike my handsome and athletic brothers, I was gangly, nerdy, and bookish. I was socially awkward. I was funny-looking. I couldn’t play sports. I had no idea how to talk to girls. Throughout high school I was often alone and had almost no dating life to speak of. Classmates talked and bragged about their sexual experiences. I kept my pornography addiction a secret. Only a loser like me would have so much trouble getting dates and be addicted to pornography. I wasn’t good enough.
I got into a great college and got a 4.0 my first semester. But then I got homesick and transferred to the state school near my home. Dad was disappointed. Again. He still talks about it. I’d thrown away another opportunity. Now I was stuck in a college almost anyone could get into. This wasn’t going to lead to wealth and success. I wasn’t good enough.
So after another two years I transferred to a decent state school on the West Coast. I got decent grades in a respectable degree program. Things were almost starting to look up. Until graduation. I had no idea what to do with the degree I’d just earned. So I schlepped around as an admin assistant for the local newspaper for 18 months. Not a great gig. I was under-performing again, rudderless. I wasn’t good enough there, either, so I tried to make Dad happy by joining the military like he’d done.
I should’ve been a Navy SEAL. I would’ve been awesome. Instead I chose Finance. It’s what Dad wants, I told myself. And so began eight hard, struggling years in a career field that’s left me feeling like a failure. I’ve never been good enough in any Finance job.
I know many people can relate to at least one part of my story. Nearly everyone has their own tale of feeling like they’re not good enough. Some of the most successful people I’ve watched on TV or read about (I’m looking at you Andy Stanley) are successful because they’re trying to exorcise their own deep-seated feelings of inadequacy. They tell themselves, “Just a little more fame and/or fortune, and I’ll finally be good enough. Mom or Dad will finally be proud of me.”
The good news, the amazing news, is this: God already thinks each of us is good enough. Just exactly the way we are. Flaws and all. You don’t have to do shit to impress God. And this Sunday, I’m going to prove it to you.
Today we tackled the tough issues of lust and pornography. It turns out that there is a way to combine God’s grace and truth with regard to pornography! Thank God… 😉
I’ve heard many pastors give messages they weren’t qualified to give:
One guy gave a sermon on biblical marriage, one month after his own wedding date
Another young guy gave a sermon about having faith in the midst of adversity. His life’s greatest adversity, which he used as an illustration? An awkward bathroom incident
A third pastor who had a public image of sexual purity, giving a message about sexual sin
I’m preparing for my sermon tomorrow. The subject: Pornography. As a recovering pornography addict I am uniquely qualified to preach on this subject. There are a lot of things I don’t like about myself. This is the worst item on that list. And I can’t do anything about it. I saw my first Playboy magazine when I was 5. I was addicted by 13. In psychological terms, this means I’m screwed. If an addiction takes hold before a person turns 13, that addiction will be with them for the rest of their lives.
My current struggles with pornography aren’t any easier than they used to be. I’ve planted a church. I know it’s not right. I know about the abuse many of the “stars” suffered as kids. I know about their drug use during filming. Despite this knowledge, there always comes a moment when looking at pornography seems like a really good idea…
…And not too long after that, the regret hits and I feel like God could never love or use a person as dirty and shameful as me. I know every man has been there. Most of us have been there in the last thirty days. It’s a statistical fact. Many women have been there too, in chat rooms and online dating sites.
And if there’s one Bible passage that makes us feel more hopeless and ashamed than any other when it comes to pornography, it’s probably Matthew 5:27-28:
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
My initial reaction to this passage: Oh, crap! Matthew 5:27-28 means exactly what it says, and that makes me feel hopeless.
BUT…
The context of this verse points to the likelihood that Jesus wasn’t talking to common men and women; He was talking to the religiously self-righteous. Don’t believe me? Start reading at Matthew 5:17 and go through the end of the chapter. I believe Jesus was breaking through the denial of people who thought they were sinless. Honestly, if Jesus gave this sermon today I think He’d be addressing a room full of pastors and born-again Christians.
If you’re not in denial about your own sexual sin, I have good news: Matthew 5:27-28 isn’t for you. Or I should say, Jesus isn’t addressing you here. Because the verse itself is true: Lusting in your heart is tantamount to sleeping with another man’s wife. But you and I already know that. It’s why we feel like garbage so often. In fact, it’s the knowledge that we’re adulterous garbage which drives us around and around the addiction cycle.
Here’s the thing: That’s not how Jesus sees us. Because again, He’s not talking to us in Matthew 5:27-28. No, Jesus is talking to us in John 8:10-11:
Jesus stood up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more.”
This, of course, is the conclusion of the story about the woman caught in adultery. So why is Jesus so kind to her when we’re still wincing from Matthew 5:28? On one hand, Jesus rips us a new one for lusting after women. On the other hand, here’s Jesus offering grace and mercy to a woman caught in the act! How do we reconcile these two verses? The context, of course! The adulteress was not ‘religiously righteous’; she had no denial about who she was or what she’d done. Jesus, the only person with the authority to condemn her, refused to do it. And of course she went and sinned again. Jesus knew this and refused to condemn her anyway.
I was struggling to prepare my sermon, wrestling with these two seemingly opposite passages, when the contextual pieces fell into place. It’s really quite simple once you see it. Think with me: In Matthew 5, Jesus targets the religiously righteous. In John 8, this same group challenges Jesus on the same subject. So how do we bring the two passages together? Three words: Cut-and-paste. I’ll end this post with a merged version of Matthew 5:27-28 and John 8:3-11. It’s so seamless and powerful you’d never guess the words weren’t all from the same chapter and book.
Stop living in denial. Stop living in shame.
The religious scholars and Pharisees led in a woman who had been caught in an act of adultery. They stood her in plain sight of everyone and said, “Teacher, this woman was caught red-handed in the act of adultery. Moses, in the Law, gives orders to stone such persons. What do you say?” They were trying to trap him into saying something incriminating so they could bring charges against him.
Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger in the dirt. They kept at him, badgering him. He straightened up and said, “You know the commandment pretty well: ‘Don’t go to bed with another’s spouse.’ But don’t think you’ve preserved your virtue simply by staying out of bed. Your heart can be corrupted by lust even quicker than your body. Those leering looks you think nobody notices—they also corrupt.
So, the sinless one among you, go first: Throw the stone.” Bending down again, he wrote some more in the dirt.
Hearing that, they walked away, one after another, beginning with the oldest. The woman was left alone. Jesus stood up and spoke to her. “Woman, where are they? Does no one condemn you?”
“No one, Master.”
“Neither do I,” said Jesus. “Go on your way. From now on, don’t sin.”
A few weeks ago I wrote about running toward the cliff’s edge and trusting in God. Well, we’re at the cliff’s edge now. The money’s gone; we’re cashing out our 401(k) accounts.
Part of me feels like a failure as a husband and father; maybe you can relate? Society expected me to support my family and I’ve failed miserably. The only thing left to me is hope, the same hope Israel had when times were darkest and it seemed there was no way out.
I still believe God called me to Florida, and no, I don’t believe He called me here to die. Are you in a similar place? Are you holding on to nothing but hope? Let’s you and I make a deal: Let’s hold on one more day to see what God has planned…what do you say?
There he is, my old friend Jealousy waiting to wish me a Happy New Year as I wake up to my Facebook newsfeed.
I’m a little surprised at seeing this friend so early in the new year; to be honest I was hoping he wouldn’t visit for a few days. But staring at me from my laptop is a photo I wish I was in: Three acquaintances and their wives having fun at a party. One, a successful businessman. The second, a rising star in a multinational corporation who is also a successful writer. The third, a funny, likeable, very popular musician.
I suppose I want to be in the picture because I want some of their success to rub off on me. I want to be associated with them. Other people who see this photo, were they to see me standing alongside, might think, “Ah, I think I recognize that guy. I didn’t know he was friends with Mr. Musician. Hmm, I’ll bet he’s funny and likeable too…”
And that’s really the crux of my problem, isn’t it? It’s not that I want to be in the photo; I don’t want to trade lives with these men. I don’t wish their spouses were my spouse, or their kids my kids. I love my wife and kids just the way they are, thank you very much. I don’t even wish it was my living room the picture was taken in. No, what I want are the personal qualities of these three men which seem to drip off the picture like liquid gold: Business success, writing talent, and popularity.
The photo is a mirror into my own soul and has nothing to do with the gentlemen pictured therein.
There are undoubtedly facets of each man’s life which I cannot see in the photo: Marital difficulties, stress at work, creative blocks, etc. But again, the photo has become a mirror; it’s no longer a photo. I’m not even really seeing the people in the photo. Instead, I’m seeing the parts of myself I feel unfulfilled and insecure about.
Taking this analysis a level deeper I might ask, “At what level of business success, writing talent, or popularity would I feel fulfilled?” The answer is as painful as it is obvious: There is no such level. No amount of success, talent, or popularity would ever allow me to feel fulfilled for more than a few moments. I’m therefore driven to ask the final question: If I do not feel fulfilled now, and if I will never feel fulfilled by anything I can acquire in this life, what is left for me to do?
Two answers come to mind.
First, I must learn to sit with my pain. I must invite my friends Jealousy and Unfulfillment over for coffee. I must be intimate with my pain and resist the urge to numb it through busyness, pornography, or even through writing this blog. I must accept the fact that the hunger I feel will not be satisfied this side of the grave.
Second, I should consider the lives of the Saints. Though they longed for the same things I do (probably much more intensely), I believe they were able to make peace with their longing and accept it as another “friend” along their journey.
Now let’s shift the focus to you. As you scan Facebook and/or hear others’ New Year’s Eve stories, do you feel jealousy or envy rising up inside you? What parts of the photos or stories create that emotional reaction? Like me, are you jealous of someone’s apparent popularity? Perhaps you find yourself wishing you could be as attractive as someone you know? Or worse, is it possible you’re so insecure that you share your photos and stories to make others jealous?
These painful moments are the recognition of our shadow and are excellent learning opportunities; let’s not waste them!
It’s the reason business is booming for counselors and therapists. It’s the reason we dream: To help us see and know ourselves. It’s the reason we love others: To see and known them as they are.
Some of us (me) are “over-sharers”; we make people uncomfortable because we share more about ourselves than folks are used to or consider appropriate. Appropriate sharing…what a funny thing to be scandalized about! Someone shares to be known and we reward them by shunning them. It’s no wonder we have folks on the other end of the spectrum! These “repressors” hide behind their persona, though cracks eventually show. Instead of sharing their shadow they repress it, which only makes the shadow stronger.
My great fear as an “over-sharer” is that in exorcising my shadow my family will be hurt. Not by me directly, of course; that’s the realm of the “repressors”. Like the geological pressures at work in the earth, the pressure of the “repressor’s” shadow trying to get into the light leads to magnificent and terrible explosions. No, for “over-sharers” like me the hurt to my family comes from others through teasing, shunning, and so forth. My family is told to feel shame for my behavior.
As an “over-sharer” I judge “repressors” because of the physical and emotional danger they represent to folks around them. To me it seems irresponsible to bottle up the shadow behind the façade of the persona. I shouldn’t be surprised, I suppose, to find myself judged in turn by the “repressors” for sharing too much, for making private matters public, etc.
In a perfect world there would be no shadows; we would all be fully integrated persons.
In a slightly less perfect world perhaps people could share their shadow without fear of reprisal. In this not-quite-perfect world everyone would acknowledge their shadows and would not feel fear when others’ sharing threatened their own repression. Instead of shunning each other for sharing we would accept each other as human. Instead of throwing both literal and metaphorical stones at others for confessing their sins in public, people would recognize the humanity in others.
I believe this is one of the reasons Jesus Christ bothered to have a ministry on earth. If Jesus’ mission was only to redeem mankind through His own crucifixion He could have done that without three years of itinerant preaching, thus I believe His ministry was important. In His ministry Jesus spent a lot of time trying to convince “over-sharers” (prostitutes, tax collectors, and “sinners”) they were worthy of love and acceptance; the love and acceptance they weren’t receiving from the “repressors”. To these “repressors” (scribes and Pharisees) Jesus directed harsh words intended to break down the walls of their personas and cast light on their shadows. Put another way, it’s possible Jesus was trying to convince the “over-sharers” (who accepted their humanity) that they were worthy of the love of God, while at the same time trying to convince the “repressors” (who believed they were loved by God) that it is precisely because of their humanity, not in spite of it, that God loved them.
James 5:16 says to, “…confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.” (ESV) This verse is one of the reasons I write this blog. I’m seeking healing and wholeness by confessing my sins to others, including the unintentionally-admitted sins which are obvious to everyone but me. I believe one of our greatest goals as persons is to know ourselves and be known by others so that we may be healed. I believe that while this process looks remarkably different from person to person, from a cosmic view all our processes look remarkably the same.
Where are you in your process of healing and wholeness? Which method of personhood do you favor most often? We all act the “over-sharer” and “repressor” at times. There is no one who does not occasionally repress some part of themselves, and there is no one who does not occasionally over-share. I pray that God would give each of us wisdom to follow our own paths, and to help us give others grace when they stumble. None of us is dong this perfectly; there is no such thing as perfection when it comes to being human.
“You assume you are primarily responsible for glitches and problems in the relationship.” – Mothers, Sons & Lovers, by Michael Gurian
Oh yeah. I do this in almost every relationship I’m in, including the ones at work. If someone so much as looks at me sideways I assume it’s because they’re mad at me for something. I never consider that maybe they are just having a bad day.
This reminds me of growing up, and my dad would blow up about something in a totally unfair and childish way. My mom would jump in and try to make peace, usually taking my dad’s side so he would calm down. This made me feel like my dad’s blow-ups were my fault all the time, when really he had his own issues to deal with. It had nothing to do with me. And just because my mom wouldn’t stand up for me back then doesn’t mean I have to keep assuming I’m to blame for the problems in my relationships today.
“Here is an irony that shows the power of God. We have taken the problem – whatever it was we were powerless over, whatever was destroying our self-worth, destroying our lives, giving us guilt and fear and shame, and making us feel like a zero – and finally become willing to let go of it.”
Joe McQ, The Steps We Took
I hold to many things I am powerless over. They destroy my self-worth. They destroy my personal and professional life. They give me guilt, fear and shame. They make me feel like a zero, a nothing. And through the power of God, I become willing to let go of these things that hurt me so.
Ironic, indeed.
What are these things? Anger, lust, pornography, the need for approval, fear, and selfishness, to name a few. When I list them like this it’s easy to see how they destroy my self-worth and my life, and cause me to feel guilt and shame. Why is it, then, than in the moment when lust strikes I can’t win a simple argument in my own mind? How do I come to believe that the thing I identify so easily on paper as self-destructive could actually be beneficial?
Whose voice is in my head telling me, “It will be OK, just take a quick look?” I know that’s not true; one ‘quick look’ will turn into a lustful stare, which will develop into a full-blown crusade to fill the emptiness inside me with pornography. Yet despite this knowledge stored in my frontal lobe, the primitive part of my brain refuses to listen.
It’s like arguing with a toddler:
“Daddy, what’s that?”
“It’s a cookie, son.”
“Cookie, please?”
“No son, it’s almost dinner time, you can have a cookie after dinner.”
“COOKIE!!!”
“Son, please don’t shout at me. I told you, no cookie before dinner, but you may have one after dinner.”
“Son, stop shouting. If you eat the cookie now, on an empty stomach, you might feel sick and you probably won’t eat any dinner. If you don’t eat your dinner, you won’t have any energy to play or grow. You want to grow up to be a big boy like daddy, don’t you?”
Somehow God is able to overcome the toddler in me. Somehow He helps me let go of the thing I’m killing myself with. I don’t know why I need God to do this for me; maybe other people don’t. But there is something inside that makes me love and hate myself at the same time, and that ‘something’ drives me to self-destruction more often than I care to admit.
Now they’re shopping at the mall, and…what? They’re trying on bikinis? Crap, where’s the remote?!?
I went to bed with this in my head and had terrible dreams. Triggers everywhere, the constant temptation to act out, then acting out in my dream and feeling shame and guilt. I woke up feeling triggered and dejected, and I knew it was going to be a tough day.
Just a few hours later I was on the verge of losing my sobriety; I had entered the Internet search term: “cheerleaders”. What started last night as a seemingly innocent PG-13 high-school comedy almost cost me two years of sobriety from pornography.
How did I so quickly fall into that trap? What was it about the movie that triggered the addictive cycle in me? I have some guesses:
Through years of pornography use I deeply ingrained the cheerleader genre of pornography into my brain. Seeing the cheerleaders on TV triggered a stimulus/response reaction in my mind
I felt resentment when I remembered I wasn’t cool enough in high school to date a cheerleader
The primitive part of my brain was triggered by sensual images; this part of the brain was nearly impervious to the logical arguments of my frontal lobe that tried desperately to save me from disaster this morning
Despite being surrounded by a loving family there was a part of me that felt desperately lonely. This part of me believed that by ‘connecting’ with pornographic images of cheerleaders and acting out I would be freed of my loneliness
I almost believed the lie that I could act out without consequence
An extremely deep need rose up inside me for connection and nurture at the most basic sexual level
What internal processes are you aware of when you watch triggering television shows or movies?
Three Taverns Church 