Five Ways To Positively Model God To Your Children, #4: Stewardship, Not Ownership

It’s true that we are the most influential people in our children’s lives. It’s also true that we tend to treat strangers with more kindness than our own families because it’s impossible to keep our “nice” masks on for long at home. These two facts lead to a third truth: Our children’s negative perceptions of God are often shaped by our behavior toward them.

You don’t own your kids.

Sorry, but you don’t. If we met in public you’d agree with me. But in private it’s a different story, isn’t it?

Many of us say we want our kids to be independent, but our actions prove the lie: We want to control our kids. We want them to do exactly what we say. Like something we own.

The dangers of this kind of mentality are subtle: Parents believe they have the right to control their children well into adulthood; children defer their hopes and dreams to satisfy parents; parents do what they think is best for their children rather than what they know God wants for their children. Don’t believe me? Go to an AA meeting and listen to people describe their relationship with their parents.

The Biblical concept of stewardship is critical to our spiritual walk. It means that I’m in charge but I don’t have ownership. It means I’m responsible to someone else for what happens to the things I care for. I don’t just answer to myself; I answer to God. I’m not the final authority; God is. The world is His, and everything in it. Or so the saying goes. But c’mon…you and I both know that more often than not we act like what’s ours is ours, not His. Including our children.

By understanding parenthood as stewardship rather than ownership we can avoid some of the relational and developmental pitfalls that plague children through adulthood. I believe the suggestions below can help all of us be better stewards of the children God has entrusted to us:

• Imagine yourself borrowing your best friend’s most prized possession. Imagine how carefully you’d treat that object. Now think about how your treat your child, God’s most prized person in the world
• Pray: “Thank you Father for letting me care for Your child”
• Let your children make their own mistakes, no matter how painful
• In the morning tell your children to ask God what He wants them to do that day, then let them do it
• Give them autonomy early and often. Remember, you don’t own them

These steps are hard to live out and even harder to live with (sometimes). But by seeing ourselves as stewards of our children I think we give them the best possible start to a healthy emotional and spiritual life.

What are the ways you live out your parental role as steward of your children?

Five Ways To Positively Model God To Your Children, #3: Quality Time

It’s true that we are the most influential people in our children’s lives. It’s also true that we tend to treat strangers with more kindness than our own families because it’s impossible to keep our “nice” masks on for long at home. These two facts lead to a third truth: Our children’s negative perceptions of God are shaped by our behavior toward them.

How many times have I heard people say they don’t pray because they think God is too busy with “important things”? How many times have I skipped prayer because I felt like my own interests didn’t matter much in the “grand scheme of things”? Where in the world do we learn to believe these lies if not from our parents? And where will my own children learn it if not from me?

You have twenty-four hours in your day. On average you sleep 7.7 hours, work 8.8 hours, and spend 6.3 hours doing all sorts of other activities. This leaves 1.2 hours (or 72 minutes) to care for your children. Of course, these 72 minutes are time women spend caring for their children. Men spend only 26 minutes of each day providing the same kinds of care. In fact, fathers spend only five minutes of meaningful time with their children on a daily basis. Five minutes.

When I was working back in Seattle I really only had two hours of each workday to spend with my kids: 6pm to 8pm. This was the gap between when I got home from work and when my kids went to bed. You’d think two hours would go a long way, but you know how it is: You get home and you want to relax, get changed, maybe take a shower to wash work off of you, cook dinner, eat dinner…and before you know it, it’s 8pm and the kids are off to bed.

I know the kind of Dad I want to be, and I know the kind of God I want my children to know. Below is a list of things my wife and I do to “create” time to spend with our kids. Not all of them will be relevant to you, but with a little tweaking I believe they can help you positively model God to your children:

• Three words: Daddy-Daughter (or Mommy-Son) Dates. My oldest daughter and I go on one “date night” every month. She looks forward to it more than any other day of the month
• We canceled cable TV
• I limit my hobbies. Do I deserve that time? Sure. But my kids deserve it even more
• We limit after-school events. Say what you want, but my kids and I won’t ever be run ragged driving from school to ballet to Girl Scouts with dinner crammed in between
• We eat dinner together nearly every night. At home. 99% of the time my wife or I cook. If you want to miss dinner at our house, you better have a good reason
• I play with dolls. Or trains. Or color in coloring books. Whatever it takes. Because my kids’ idea of quality time does not include reading the latest financial news

How do you want your kids to pray 20 years from now? Do you want them to send up a desperate, “If you’re there…” kind of prayer, or do you want them praying confidently, “Father, I thank you that you hear me…”? It’s your responsibility, and I’m guessing you’ve got some tough choices ahead of you. Good luck!

How do you spend quality time with your kids?

Five Ways To Positively Model God To Your Children, #1: Apologize Immediately

It’s true that we are the most influential people in our children’s lives. It’s also true that we tend to treat strangers more politely and with more kindness than our own families because it’s impossible to keep our “nice” mask on for long at home. These two facts lead to a third truth: Our children’s perceptions of who God is are shaped by our behavior toward them. This is the reason why so many people in therapy and twelve-step groups routinely express their beliefs that God is an angry or distant God; because Mom and Dad treated them this way.

I don’t want my children to see God as a harsh, angry, unloving God. Instead, I want them to see God for who He is in the person of Jesus of Nazareth. For this to happen, however, I need to take specific steps to model that kind of behavior for my children.

Here is the first of five ways I model Christ for my children in order to positively shape the way they think about our heavenly Father. With a little tweaking to fit your particular set of circumstances, I believe these steps can benefit your family as well!

1. Apologize immediately after I realize I’ve done something to hurt them.
I’m not Jesus, so at least once a day I say or do something that hurts my children’s feelings. Just today, while cooking dinner and trying to help my wife get out the door for a small group meeting, my son and I got into an argument. As my temper rose, that little preschooler started talking back to me and I completely lost my temper. I started yelling at him and ordered him into his room. My outburst frightened him.

After two minutes of cool-down time I strode into his room, sat on his bed, pulled him into my lap, and hugged him. I told him how much I loved him; how much he means to me; how special and wonderful he is. The combination of gentle physical touch and loving words calmed him down immediately. I believe repeating this pattern throughout his childhood will also positively shape the way he sees God. Had I left him to cry in his room alone, there’s a chance he would project my behavior onto God and see Him as a frightening, angry Being who refuses to be reconciled to his ‘sinful’ son.

By apologizing immediately to my son, holding him, and telling him I love him, I positively impact his view of God in a number of ways:

• My son can feel loved even when he makes mistakes
• God will appear to be Someone who greatly desires reconciliation
• My son can see himself as a treasured child of God, not an unfortunate screw-up
• My son’s relationship with God will be defined by learning and growth rather than perfectionism
• Rather than an emotionally distant Being, God will be Someone who wants to understand, and be understood by, my son
• It’s OK for my son to be angry at, or confused with, God. My son’s emotions are not taboo in the eyes of his Father

Do you apologize to your children immediately after you realize you’ve hurt them? Why or why not? How does this have the potential to impact the way your child sees God?

Thanks for reading! Check back tomorrow for the second part of this series!
Stephen

What will your children find in you?

There is pain coming for our children. Their innocence will be taken from them; some slowly, others in a violent rush. The question then becomes: Will they become defeated shells of men and women, or will they rise above disappointment, hurt, and broken dreams to claim their rightful place as children of God?

I believe the answer to this question lies with us, their parents. As your children are awakened to the realities of life they will look to you for guidance on how to respond. When they turn to you, will they find an angry husk or a joyful being? A hobbling existence weighed down by fears and addictions or a blazing example of radiant life that shouts forth victory from the darkness?

What will your children find in you?