I had an experience today that I want to share with you. What you see below is directly out of my personal journal, so you’ll have to forgive grammatical errors, run-on sentences, etc. If you have had a similar experience I would love to hear from you:
Just had something like a waking dream, a conscious revelation of death. Like when you dream that you are dying and it feels so real that you are in terror, but then you wake up. Except this time I didn’t wake up! I was already awake, and it was impossible to explain. My whole focus shifted inward, and there were physical sensations of bodily separation and numbness and some sort of chemical reaction in addition to the focus that made it feel so real, like my subconscious had taken over from my conscious mind and brought it to life.
It was awful. I could feel the END, so final, nothing there…less than nothing, because even nothingness has a quality to it. It was so terrifying. And I could feel my mind reaching, reaching, reaching for something, anything in the void, and there was nothing. And I could feel my mind recoil in terror from the void, but there was nowhere to go, no ‘where’ to go, couldn’t run or escape it was happening and I felt my ending and in fact all of Life’s ending. I felt frozen with terror, couldn’t move, felt that impending end. So final. And it’s going to happen to me and every person and every living thing. I could feel a string of days and knew that those days were all I was allotted, and some day it’s all going to just stop, the end, lights out. I could feel that there is no escape from this, it’s going to happen. I won’t be able to run, begging and bargaining won’t work. I don’t understand how or why it felt so real. I could almost physically feel death. No escape, no running, and it will happen. I am afraid. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to end. And “I” am aware that “I” am saying these things, but there was no “I” in death, in Ending, there was just The End, like a movie except after the movie there isn’t a black screen, or the lights don’t come up, there is nothing, no-thing.
The finality and inescapability of the end is terrifying. How can I know what lies beyond? I cannot. Nothing.
Before I knew, intellectually, that I would die someday. Now I know. Like the difference between reading about surfing, and actually surfing. I see now. I understand. And I am so afraid.