Three Taverns Church

So You Want To Pastor A Mega-Church?

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So, you want to pastor a mega-church? Just follow these 30 simple steps and you’ll be on your way to building the Next Big Thing in ministry!

1. Get money…lots of money…
2. Keep it simple and shallow
3. Keep it black-and-white; grey areas don’t exist for you
4. Preach easy fixes to complex problems
5. Write a book listing your easy fixes to complex problems
5. Spiritualize everything
6. When people come to you with personal issues, tell them the Devil and/or their “flesh” is responsible
7. Tell people their troubles will be solved by more prayer, Bible study, and devotional time
8. If you can, get these same people to read your book while they’re at it
9. Big events
10. Big events
11. BIG EVENTS
12. Use strict business models
13. Follow hip and popular trends
14. Make sure every member of your “creative team” uses only Apple devices
15. Make sure every member of your church knows that every member of your “creative team” uses only Apple devices
16. Think skinny: Skinny jeans, skinny ties, skinny women, etc.
17. After delivering a particularly clever line, tell your audience, “You can Tweet that!”
18. Pick an adversary or fight a cause (For example: Homosexuality)
19. Pick an ally or support a cause (For example: Homosexuality)
20. Put a coffee bar in the lobby, preferably stocked with a recognized brand
21. Put a bookstore in the lobby, preferably stocked with your book
22. Have the craziest youth group in town; if the police don’t show up, you’ve failed
23. 3 words: Fog, smoke & lasers
24. Show videos of kittens, puppies, and sick kids during transitions
25. Quote yourself in your sermon
26. Admit to having a past but tell everyone how Jesus has healed you; stress the past tense
27. Encourage women to use Beth Moore books in their small groups; men should use John Eldredge’s Wild At Heart
28. Refer to your church facility as a “campus”
29. Put founders’ names somewhere in a highly visible spot of the campus
30. Preach against “old”, “outdated” church groups who still use PCs and refer to their campuses as “churches”; they obviously don’t “get it”

Many thanks to Dr. David Lawson, pastor of Renew Church for helping me compile this list.

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