Three Taverns Church

Courage

6 Comments

Not enough courage to die. Not nearly enough to really live.

For every Christian out there who’s ever told me to “just pray”, to “surrender”, to “have faith”, I wish I could share my pain with you. My mind doesn’t work the same way yours does; some days it doesn’t work at all.

I don’t understand why I’m so broken. I don’t understand why some days I wish I was dead and gone, why I drink to believe I’m away from here, from myself.  There are so many places I wish I’d gone, so many things I wish I’d been. But I never did, I never was; I just kept showing up without really “showing up”.

I want to run, to escape. I want to destroy this life and start over…but I can’t do that, can I? Only God has the power to destroy and to create, and I’m not Him. All I can do is wake up every day trapped in a mind and a body I don’t understand and can’t break from.

6 thoughts on “Courage

  1. Steve, I hear so much pain in your words. And I am sorry that you are hurting so badly. Don’t give up. God is good, He is faithful and he loves YOU! You are stronger than you think you are. God made you and he loves you just as much as any other person living or not. He gave his son for YOU. He will never give up on you. I pray that God can open your eyes to the wonders that he has made in you and the path he has for your life if you let him. Please talk to someone that you trust, a counselor, a friend. Don’t allow yourself to believe the lie that your life is not worth living, or that you have made too many mistakes. “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” ~ Romans 8:38-39

  2. I just read the highlights of CNN’s interview with Pastor Rick Warren on the subject of his son’s suicide. The author cited a recent national survey of evangelical Christians which said that 48% of these “Christians” believe that Bible study and prayer is enough to cure mental illness and prevent suicide. You know what I think? I think 48% of “Christians” are idiots.

  3. RM, besides thinking that 48% of “Christians” are idiots, can you offer a constructive alternative for those who are looking for real answers instead of just more “Christian” bashing? I realize that you feel the need to spew out your disgust and disdain for people who you think are in error…it is, perhaps, a necessary part of your own healing process. By the way, Why are you putting the word Christians in parenthesis? Are you implying that these “Christians” are not really Christians, or something else? Could you elaborate?

  4. RM, on the contrary— I don’t hate your blog, your point of view in general, or your attitude toward the church in general. And I don’t hate you for any of that either. You are sharing your journey toward healing which includes your ups and downs. I see that you were unwilling to address any of my questions, preferring smoke screen diversion. Hang in there, Buddy.

  5. Steve – Christians who tell hurting individuals to “pray about it” or “have more faith” fall into the category of spiritual abusers. However, from my experience, most are just misinformed in the treatment of various mental illnesses, etc…

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