Not enough courage to die. Not nearly enough to really live.
For every Christian out there who’s ever told me to “just pray”, to “surrender”, to “have faith”, I wish I could share my pain with you. My mind doesn’t work the same way yours does; some days it doesn’t work at all.
I don’t understand why I’m so broken. I don’t understand why some days I wish I was dead and gone, why I drink to believe I’m away from here, from myself. There are so many places I wish I’d gone, so many things I wish I’d been. But I never did, I never was; I just kept showing up without really “showing up”.
I want to run, to escape. I want to destroy this life and start over…but I can’t do that, can I? Only God has the power to destroy and to create, and I’m not Him. All I can do is wake up every day trapped in a mind and a body I don’t understand and can’t break from.