Three Taverns Church

Taking Control Back From God = FAIL


I wonder if I have reneged on my commitment to God…I think maybe I have. I remember taking Step One and surrendering my pornography addiction to God. I remember taking Steps Two and Three, believing God could restore me to sanity and turning my will and life over to Him.

But then things started getting better. At first I didn’t fantasize as much, and eventually I stopped fantasizing completely. I was not masturbating any more. I was not chained to pornography and living a double life, pretending to be a faithful husband while indulging my addiction in secret.

I’ve been living this ‘better life’ for months now, and this morning I realized just how far I’ve strayed from the first three steps of my recovery program. These days I am more concerned with the outfit I wear to work than trying to do God’s will. I’ve all but abandoned this blog in the last month; for months this blog was my personal method of ministry. I’ve almost stopped praying and reading Scripture in the mornings, and when I do it’s because I think I’m supposed to, not because I want to.

Yesterday I asked my wife to pray for me because I was struggling to understand my identity in this stage of my recovery. She told me I did not have to be just one thing, but if I was going to be one thing, that ‘thing’ should be a disciple of Christ. That hadn’t occurred to me. To be honest, a part of me does not want to be a Christ follower because it feels limiting.

I am no longer surrendered to God. I would rather pick my own path. I am taking control of my will and life back from God; now that I am ‘better’ I think I can do a better job of running my life. Of course I am only better because I surrendered to God and gave control of my life to him nearly two years ago.

I want to want to be surrendered to God again. I want the desire for God’s kingdom that I used to have. I want to reclaim the faith and trust I had in the beginning of my recovery program. I just hope I don’t have to hit bottom again to make this happen.

Have you surrendered to God in the past, but now find yourself trying to take control back from Him?

3 thoughts on “Taking Control Back From God = FAIL

  1. Interesting post, a great reminder to me re: the tension of letting God work in and through us and remembering that (a) fruit of the Spirit is Self-Control. Getting caught up in the daily grind stuff is pretty normal, not optimal but normal. If we do that as an organization we call it vision drift, and we must occasionally be brought back to the real point of why we do the stuff we do. Personally I find the need to re-calibrate at least weekly, which by the way I often forget to do because of my propensity to focus on the day to day. Really enjoyed reading your post, it is honest and thought provoking

    • Thanks, Layne, that means a lot! ‘Re-calibrate’ is a great term…I’ve heard great leaders talk about the need for spiritual retreats in order to ‘re-calibrate’…maybe that’s what I need. Thanks for reading, and for the great comment!

  2. I think we all want to be in control of our lives and our “destiny.” It is difficult to let God “drive” the bus. Attitude and heart (mind) is important. If my heart is in it, I want to do it so I have to ensure my heart is there.

    There are things in my past (sins) I had to overcome and wondered if I could. It took a while, but through obedience (along with prayer and scripture) came personal desire to achieve not because I should be something but because I believed and wanted to be something–something better for God and my family. I felt like I was falling off the wagon at times, but I had to keep my eyes focused ahead allowing God to control my thoughts–if that makes sense. It took a lot of prayer–a lot of prayer 🙂 but I changed—for over 23 years. I enjoy reading your blog by the way.

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