I wonder if I have reneged on my commitment to God…I think maybe I have. I remember taking Step One and surrendering my pornography addiction to God. I remember taking Steps Two and Three, believing God could restore me to sanity and turning my will and life over to Him.
But then things started getting better. At first I didn’t fantasize as much, and eventually I stopped fantasizing completely. I was not masturbating any more. I was not chained to pornography and living a double life, pretending to be a faithful husband while indulging my addiction in secret.
I’ve been living this ‘better life’ for months now, and this morning I realized just how far I’ve strayed from the first three steps of my recovery program. These days I am more concerned with the outfit I wear to work than trying to do God’s will. I’ve all but abandoned this blog in the last month; for months this blog was my personal method of ministry. I’ve almost stopped praying and reading Scripture in the mornings, and when I do it’s because I think I’m supposed to, not because I want to.
Yesterday I asked my wife to pray for me because I was struggling to understand my identity in this stage of my recovery. She told me I did not have to be just one thing, but if I was going to be one thing, that ‘thing’ should be a disciple of Christ. That hadn’t occurred to me. To be honest, a part of me does not want to be a Christ follower because it feels limiting.
I am no longer surrendered to God. I would rather pick my own path. I am taking control of my will and life back from God; now that I am ‘better’ I think I can do a better job of running my life. Of course I am only better because I surrendered to God and gave control of my life to him nearly two years ago.
I want to want to be surrendered to God again. I want the desire for God’s kingdom that I used to have. I want to reclaim the faith and trust I had in the beginning of my recovery program. I just hope I don’t have to hit bottom again to make this happen.
Have you surrendered to God in the past, but now find yourself trying to take control back from Him?