Your employment here is terminated, effectively immediately. I hate to fire folks on the weekend, but I couldn’t take the chance that you would cause a disruption at the office upon receiving this news.
You have cost me untold sums in terms of damage to my relationships with others. I am not sure if your problem is that you feel you are ‘entitled to better’, or if you think you are somehow superior to everyone around you and are thus justified in treating everyone with anger and contempt. You earned our company a nickname in our ‘college years’: Wigout. You were so proud of that name because it signified that someone had noticed you. Is that what prompted your irrational and unproductive behavior all these years? Were you simply trying to be noticed? Or perhaps your rage was a response to a feeling of your own powerlessness?
Let me tell you what I think: Your behavior sounds exactly like that of my two-year-old son. Sometimes he screams in anger because he doesn’t get his way, sometimes he screams just to be noticed, and sometimes he throws a tantrum because he’s so frustrated that he’s not in control of his world. Can you see the resemblance, Mr. Anger? You behave exactly like a toddler! That is not the kind of behavior that is going to get this company ahead in the world, and that is not the kind of employee I want representing this firm.
The more I think about it, the more obvious it becomes that you never grew up, Mr. Anger. You still walk, talk, act, and think like a 2-year-old. People expect that kind of behavior from a toddler and never think much of it, but your behavior is so out of character for an adult that your anger and rage takes people completely by surprise and causes genuine emotional hurt.
You are being replaced with someone I’ve had the great pleasure of knowing for the past several years, a man named Jesus Christ. Jesus brings the kind of behaviors, attitudes and actions I want representing this company, and I am very excited about the possibilities He opens up for our future simply by being around. Jesus is everything you are not: Gentle, humble, and kind. I have spoken with Jesus about whether He has any anger issues (just to make sure I wasn’t replacing one anger problem with another) and he confessed that He has been angry on occasion. The difference between your anger and His, however, is significant. While your anger stems from an apparent belief, rooted in entitlement, that things should always go your way, Jesus’ anger is focused on the sins of the world. He hates sin; He hates what it has done to this world that was intended from the start to be beautiful and perfect. Your angry, rage-filled behavior is exactly the kind of thing Jesus stands against; I recommend that you avoid Him, for your own safety.
Don’t come around here again, Mr. Anger. I have no more use for you or your childish ways. It’s time for this company to grow up and start acting our age, and we can’t do that with you hanging around. If you do dare to show your face here again I will have Jesus come speak with you personally, and I promise you will not enjoy that conversation.