Dear Mr. Fear,
You have been with this company for more than 30 years; that is quite a long run! However, I am happy to say that as of today your services are longer required and you are hereby released from your contract.
I know you’ve worked here a long time, but please don’t take this personally; the company is actually eliminating your entire department. Mr. Anxiety and Mr. Cowardice are being released from their contracts as well. You see, we have outsourced your department’s work to an independent consulting agency called Father, Son & Holy Spirit. These consultants come very highly recommended and have already begun making an incredible impact here at the company. Because you have worked here for so long I feel it would be inappropriate to send you off without a final review of your contributions to our organization; I owe you that much.
You were hired on to this company in response to emotional abuse and abandonment we faced in our early years. Your methods of dealing with this abuse ranged from creating barriers to protect the company, to sacrificing the identity or ‘brand’ of our company in order to avoid further emotional suffering. Nearly 10 years later, as our company hit its ‘adolescent years’, you earned a significant promotion and were put in charge of the Spiritual, Emotional, Physical, Psychological and Relational departments; just about the whole organization! At the time this seemed a prudent move for the company to make because of the continued threats of school bullies, racism, emotional abuse and abandonment, and other significant problems. At this time your tactics shifted a bit and you began burying this company’s problems under an addiction to pornography in order to ‘protect’ us. You apparently thought it would be better to be enslaved to lust than suffer more emotional pain. That was a difficult choice to make, I’m sure, and I cannot fault you for doing what you thought best. Unfortunately, you maintained this strategy for the next twenty years, further deepening our involvement with pornography, lust, and other questionable ventures in order to hide from pain.
To be frank, you have outlived your usefulness, Mr. Fear, and your tactics and strategies are no longer protecting this company; rather, you are significantly limiting our potential. It is for this reason that I brought in the consultants from Father, Son & Holy Spirit.
I’ve been speaking at length with one of the consulting agency’s partners, Jesus Christ, about your role in this company, as well as the roles of Mr. Anxiety and Mr. Cowardice. He agrees that it is time to take this company in a new direction. You see, Jesus Christ is prepared to protect this organization with His own power, and has in fact already released us from the entanglements of that disastrous pornography contract you negotiated so many years ago. According to Jesus, I have nothing to fear because He is in control of everything and everything that happens is ultimately for my good. I can almost hear your nervous laughter at reading that last statement, but I must tell you that Jesus makes a quite convincing argument. Jesus has gone so far as to say that I no longer even need to fear death, Mr. Fear, because His consulting firm offers an eternal indemnity plan against death.
I wish I could say that I’m sorry to see you go, but the truth is I am excited about the prospects our company has with no Fear, Cowardice, or Anxiety in its future. I am convinced that new opportunities will open up for us, and that our day-to-day operations will be much brighter and more meaningful without you and your department.
Goodbye Mr. Fear, and good luck.