Three Taverns Church

Fire Your Greed


Dear Mr. Greed,

I am writing this letter to inform you that I no longer require your services and you are hereby fired.

I have been monitoring your performance for some time and I must say your track record is unacceptable. For many years you refused to give back to God His rightful share of this company’s income, and when I finally convinced you that tithing was necessary, still you begrudged God his due. What’s more, your actions and attitudes toward my own family followed similar patterns and are, frankly, shocking. You repeatedly laid down strict and unfair spending rules for my wife and children, while simultaneously blatantly ignored the same rules for yourself and spent vast sums of money on things without ever consulting my wife. This business is a partnership between my wife and I, Mr. Greed, and I cannot afford to have you making any more unilateral decisions without the input, consent, and oversight of my wife.

Mr. Greed, you seem to operate under the false assumption that this is your business. Well sir, I am here to tell you that you are gravely mistaken. You see, this is ultimately God’s business, which he has placed in my care. And God, through his Son Jesus Christ, has been gracious enough to show me how this business should be run; think of it as a lifetime internship. Jesus has shown me many things regarding how to handle the finances of my business, Mr. Greed, and these examples have opened my eyes to just how badly you have been mishandling this company’s funds. Did you know, Mr. Greed, that you and I are only stewards of God’s resources here on earth? I was shocked when I first learned this, so don’t feel too badly if you are also surprised. Indeed, the funds I am blessed with are not really mine at all, but have been placed in my care by Jesus Christ to ‘feed His lambs’. This is a mighty and glorious responsibility that God has placed in the care of this business, and again I have found that your performance runs contrary to this great Truth. You have proven yourself to be extremely selfish, shortsighted, and unfair. You seem to believe that this company’s finances exist for your pleasure and comfort, not for the care of my family and those around us in need.

I wish I could say that I’m sorry to have to part ways with you, but the longer I ponder your employment with this firm the greater my disappointment grows. You have caused nothing but heartache and hard feelings while you worked here. You’ve damaged my relationship with my wife, with my children, and most importantly with God. You have tried your best to shrivel my heart by controlling my finances to suit your own best interests. Enough is enough. Please turn in your key card to Human Resources immediately. Security is here to escort you to HR, and then out of the building. This business is on the private property of God, and if I or any of my employees catches you loitering on our grounds I will call the Holy Spirit and have you forcibly removed.

Good day, sir.

Rabid Mongoose

4 thoughts on “Fire Your Greed

  1. I’ve met greed, and I didn’t like him. The only problem is that he keeps coming around uninvited.

  2. loving it. you were very respectful to greed. about those large sums of money…..

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