Three Taverns Church

“Please, God, heal me….mostly…”

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“Are there any character defects that you have discovered that you enjoy and are not sure you want God to remove – or know you don’t want him to remove?” J. Keith Miller, A Hunger For Healing

Man, I hate admitting this…yes there are character defects that I’m not sure I can live without, and several that I don’t want to live without. That is tough to admit, but it is the truth.

For example, I don’t know if I can live without greed. The addict in me is afraid that if I surrender my greed I will become a sad, poor little man. I am afraid that I will not be able to provide for my family (which is really just addict code for: “I don’t trust that God will provide for me.”) I am afraid I will be weak; that I will look, walk, talk, and act like people I’ve known whom I did not like or respect much. I am afraid of losing a part of me or perhaps no longer being me. It’s funny to hear myself say that. As a recovering pornography addict I’ve caused tremendous pain for my wife, yet I want to keep being me…

There are also some character defects that I don’t want to give up. The addict in me wants to be lusted after. I try to pretend that it is not an issue, and I deny to myself that I enjoy it, but I do. I enjoy getting that kind of approval from women because I still believe that being lusted after will make me ‘enough’, that I will feel affirmed and loved through their lust. The addict in me is afraid that if God takes away my desire to be lusted after I will never be loved or appreciated again, that I will become a ‘nobody’, a ‘wallflower’. My sense of self I so weak that it scares me to contemplate living without the notice and attention of women. I am still hunting for that elusive approval from women which I did not get as a child, and which I incessantly pursued through high school and college.

Which character defects are you afraid to give up? Which ones do you want to keep?

One thought on ““Please, God, heal me….mostly…”

  1. Man, this was a good post. My porn addiction has such a hold on me, there are times where every fiber of me is screaming “You don’t want to give it up!”, even though I know how devastating it has been in my life. And those feelings make me feel like I’ve gone nowhere with my walk with Christ. I have to remind myself that my body and mind’s desire for porn is simply a stumbling block to my walk, not an indicator of my lack of love for God. Thankfully, for the last two weeks, I’ve felt that God is changing my heart, and with it my desires, towards porn. It’s becoming easier to say “no”. Thanks for posting this (even if I AM three months late in responding!).

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