“Are there any character defects that you have discovered that you enjoy and are not sure you want God to remove – or know you don’t want him to remove?” J. Keith Miller, A Hunger For Healing
Man, I hate admitting this…yes there are character defects that I’m not sure I can live without, and several that I don’t want to live without. That is tough to admit, but it is the truth.
For example, I don’t know if I can live without greed. The addict in me is afraid that if I surrender my greed I will become a sad, poor little man. I am afraid that I will not be able to provide for my family (which is really just addict code for: “I don’t trust that God will provide for me.”) I am afraid I will be weak; that I will look, walk, talk, and act like people I’ve known whom I did not like or respect much. I am afraid of losing a part of me or perhaps no longer being me. It’s funny to hear myself say that. As a recovering pornography addict I’ve caused tremendous pain for my wife, yet I want to keep being me…
There are also some character defects that I don’t want to give up. The addict in me wants to be lusted after. I try to pretend that it is not an issue, and I deny to myself that I enjoy it, but I do. I enjoy getting that kind of approval from women because I still believe that being lusted after will make me ‘enough’, that I will feel affirmed and loved through their lust. The addict in me is afraid that if God takes away my desire to be lusted after I will never be loved or appreciated again, that I will become a ‘nobody’, a ‘wallflower’. My sense of self I so weak that it scares me to contemplate living without the notice and attention of women. I am still hunting for that elusive approval from women which I did not get as a child, and which I incessantly pursued through high school and college.
Which character defects are you afraid to give up? Which ones do you want to keep?