Risky Advice, or Brilliant Strategy?

Me: “So, something else I wanted to talk about was the constant feeling that I’m not enough, the feeling that I need the approval of others, especially women. Recently, I’ve been feeling very clearly that there is a difference between my sexual attraction toward some women, and my desire for the attention and approval of many other women…”

My Counselor: “Or the fact that you tried to seek approval and connection through pornography…”

Me: “…right, exactly. It’s not really about the pornography, it’s about the thing behind the pornography…approval. What can I do about that? Does that need ever go away?”

My Counselor: “It seems to get easier with age. Tell me, when exactly do you feel like you’re ‘not enough’ or that you need other people’s approval most strongly?”

Me: “Pretty much any time a moderately attractive woman is around. I get very self-conscious and I have to fight the urge to try to get their attention. I have to work at doing nothing.”

My Counselor: “Why don’t you try talking to some of those women? It will help you stop objectifying them and see them as just people.”

Me: “Well, I do try talking to some women in my office, and I have noticed that those women seem less like symbols or objects and more like regular people with issues…But what about when I’m out in public and I come across a really attractive woman?”

My Counselor: “Try saying ‘Hello’ or paying her a compliment.”

Me: “…uhm….what?”

My Counselor: “Just try it.”

Me: “….OK…”

This is either the worst advice I have ever received, or it is a brilliant strategy to help me conquer my need for approval. My recovery program stresses that I ignore triggering women as often as possible, keep conversation to a minimum, avoid eye contact, and bounce my eyes away whenever possible. Now, my counselor is telling me to intentionally interact with triggering women. No matter what happens, it should be interesting…

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